I found this text file on a backup CD…

Apparently I used to save one-liners I found amusing back when I had nothing better to do than lurk the Something Awful forums.

  • It’s like watching a sad clown masturbate.
  • I noticed something while eating a tender juicy burger the other day. That sometimes, just sometimes if you chew slowly and thoughtfully enough, you can almost taste the cow’s soul.
  • Life is a giant radioactive sweaty rabid gorilla, with a 37 inch studded electrified cock which oozes searing acid. The sooner you get used to the fact that life is going to bend you over a pickle barrel and ass fuck you until your eyes rocket out of your ears, the sooner you can move on. It’s like a game, but you don’t win, you just get a lot of ass fucking, and well, fuck. - Tossed_Salad_Man
  • “He’s trying to turn you gay. It’s part of the gay agenda. Carry a Bible and pray constantly to ward off temptation.  But carry condoms just in case.  Flavored ones.  Cherry is good.” - AKA Psuedomem
  • Kittens long ago realized that the best way to not get skinned and gutted like the useless parasites that they are is to secrete copious amounts of mind control hormones. — veritron
  • Each week, millions and millions of upper middle class American citizens put on expensive dress clothes, and load themselves into SUV’s and drive past homeless shelters, orphanages, prisons, missions, and halfway houses on their way to a very expensive and nice church, where somebody tells them how to be more like Jesus.” — Captain_Obvious
  • “I love girls that wear writing on their ass. It always says “PRINCESS” or “ANGEL” but the fact that they wear WORDS ON THEIR ASS inviting people to look says otherwise. I mean I don’t wear pants that say “CLASSY GOODFELLOW” on the crotch.”
  • if a picture is worth a thousand words, someone just said “douchebag” a whole bunch ~Johnny Drama
  • Curiosity killed the cat, but loathsome rituals BROUGHT IT BACK. ~Revelation X
  • Guns? Fuck that shit, I’m made of solid steel bitches! When I jerk it in the shower I sound like a dishwasher full of dirty spoons. That’s how I roll. ~Lincoln’s Wax
  • “Welcome to the internet. 60% porn. 20% nostalgia. 20% psychiatrist training ground.” - Yahtzee
  • “Were you born a fucking idiot or have there been substances involved” - Chompwad
  • EVERYBODY LOVES MY M*A*S*H RINGTONE
  • “The best part of having a glass eye is sitting in a fancy restaurant, idly scratching it with a fork while you decide what to order.”
  • DivvyO: YOU CHEATING SLUT I NEVER SHOULD HAVE INFLATED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE
  • “I am against the teaching of evolution in schools. I am also against widespread literacy and the refrigeration of food.” — Deathlord
  • “You try explaining a blowjob to a terrified 7-year-old who thinks he’s just seen an act of cannibalism. It’s impossible.”
  • “When your boss asks if you have any special skills, do not reply: “I can hit a man-sized target at three hundred yards with a rifle from the standing
    unsupported position.”

Notes

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